Never the Twain Shall Meet

Bill & Ted face the most heinous event of their lives when Mr. Ryan announces they are expelled. Terrified of what Ted's dad will do to him, the dudes ask for a second chance. Mr. Ryan says that if they can line up someone incredible for tomorrow's Career Day they may have a chance to stay in school. At the Kozy Korner they try to decide who to get to speak. Remembering the statuettes on Mr. Ryan's desk, they go in search of Shakespeare and Mark Twain. They arrive in England to find Shakespeare's newest play, Romeo and Juliet, about to open. When they buy tickets with U.S. money they are considered crooks and chased by ushers. They accidentally end up on the stage where the confuse the theater goers, who begin throwing vegetables. Overhearing Shakespeare lamenting over what he chose to be, they urge him to "Be what you want to be . . . or not. Whatever." Bill & Ted reach their booth and travel to Sacramento, California, where their booth lands in one of the flumes at Sutter's Mill. John Sutter insists that the boys are going to work in his mine until they've paid for the damage to his flume. Finding they aren't making much progress with mining, Bill & Ted instead revert the flume into the first waterslide and charge other miners admission to ride. Getting back into their booth, they find it to be full of frogs from the river they had been working in. Bill & Ted try again to find Mark Twain, but only see a listing for Samuel Clemmons and travel to the Mississippi River where they land on a riverboat, releasing the frogs to run amok on the boat. They find the captain, Samuel Clemmons, yelling out "mark twain" (two fathoms) and try to ask him where Mr. Mark Twain is. Unfortunately the frogs cause such a commotion and Samuel Clemmons gets fired from what he says is yet another job (he'd been through many careers already). Bill & Ted play leapfrog to lure the frogs into one room and in deciding what to do with the creatures they get the idea to hold races on the boat's deck and have the passengers bet on the races. Unfortunately the races get out of control and it proves to be no solution. However, Samuel Clemmons is not upset . . . the incident has inspired him to write a short story and become a writer (Bill & Ted never make the connection that he is in fact Mark Twain). Returning to San Dimas without a speaker, they decide to ask the mayor to attend as a last resort and are surprised when the man agrees, arriving with a police escort to the San Dimas auditorium and impressing Vice Principal Ryan enough to keep him from expelling the dudes.